myself....still haven't overcome her yet...

 Its been 8 years since he and I have been together. Its officially midnight so It was yesterday when that milestone hit. We went to Red Lobster and for the first time, I tasted lobster.  Wanted to know what all the "Wow" was about. It's apparently Lobster Fest at Red Lobster so they had all these Lobster dishes. I got the most expensive. Two different Lobsters to try. The first was horrible to me. I looked across the table at My Love and said, "No...No...Don't like it". He started to laugh. He said that what I said, made him love me even more, because, it was "me". 

I ended up truly enjoying the experience overall with him at the restaurant. It was truly wonderful to spend time with him out of the house, enjoying different food, on my part, and having a dynamic waiter whose name was Joel. Really great guys get great tips ^_~.

It was nice to have such a wonderful time, but I wonder what these 8 years mean to me. It has been more than difficult, and more than enough times I have wanted to leave. Yet, one this is sure as I look inside myself now, I love him very much, and right now, I feel the charm and warmth of being together with him. I wonder, if this feeling, despite all we are going through, despite all we've ever been through, will last for long. 

Just like these past 8 years have shown, only time will indeed tell. Happy Anniversary Love. 

I text  everyday. It depends though on what it is. Sometimes its idle talk and other times like today, its dire straits....I'm good either way -_-

I have these dreams. They've only just started to get worse. I started to wonder about God and now they have gotten worse. More scary. I am more afraid now. I wasn't when I did not believe in one. Now, that i am pondering the existence of a possible deity, the plagues have come and I cannot stop it. 

I wonder about my mind, all full of dreams and melancholy.  I wonder how it would be if it were stable. But it always seems to linger in the surreal. The translucent. The lost. I cannot seem to find my way. The balance in and of itself is unattainable to me. I feel broken. Lost. Always swimming in this tide of an effervescent stream of consciousness and dreams. I am lost aren't I? I am broken? I cant wake up. Perhaps I am still stuck in that room where mom used to dance and sing and we would watch her seemingly happy amidst the situation we knew not to be bad. 

And as I reevaluate my stance on Belief and A Deity and it's place in existence, I wonder how far can I really go. How far before I am intimidated by getting a night's sleep and by my own weakness to make something meaningful of this life. Why am I so sad? Why do I suddenly feel so sad now? So hurt and so broken? I don't think I will ever have an answer for this. I will forever be locked in by the dreams I cannot attain, and my failed understanding of the earth and my place on it. And even farther yet, from the meaning of life and if there is an existence that made it...How do I understand this?

No, I will eventually get bored...

I hate my pear shape. it is disgusting to me. I have always admired women of the more classic times with the more classic shapes. Sofia Loren, and her peers. Why did I have to have this disgusting shape?? Ugh, I just want it to go away!!! I have never been more turned off by something than a pear shape. The body just looks so out of wack! I can't stand it! Why couldn't I have a more evened out shape? At least I would not have to shop in one section for trousers and another section for my tops!!! It is so embarrassing to me. Like one part of my body belonged really to another, and now I have their half and some where in the world, they have mine!!! Ughhh. I'm having a moment. ::Sulk::